


Thinking Too Much

by farquaad



Series: Thinking Too Much [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Dan being supportive, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Phil Lester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Social Anxiety, body image issues, discussions of mental health, i guess, phil coming to terms with his mental health, pre-smut oops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-07-13 19:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16024220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farquaad/pseuds/farquaad
Summary: Sometimes Phil gets anxious and that's okay.





	1. Milkshakes, Ripped Jeans & Breakdowns

Phil and Dan were sat on some stools in an old-fashioned diner somewhere in America. The servers were girls with big hair and red lipstick and guys with slicked back hair and leather jackets, really emphasizing the classic American diner feel. It was the perfect place to get some food while on tour.

The two were looking through their menus when Dan asked, “What do you think you’re gonna order?”

“The BLT looks really good. What about you?” Phil replied. He was still glancing at the menu over and over to make sure he didn’t miss anything he might want instead.

“Maybe a cheeseburger. Should I get us a drink to share?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Phil replied, although he was distracted by going over his order in his head so he wouldn’t mess it up and sound stupid in front of the waitress.

“Alright, cuties. What can I get for you?” the waitress asked as she came up to the men on light-up rollerskates.

Phil vaguely registered his boyfriend ordering while he was busy wringing his hands nervously in his lap.

_What if I mess up the order?_

_What if I stutter?_

_She’s probably going to judge me for my order and think I’m some weirdo anyways._

Dan noticed his boyfriend’s glazed over eyes and clearly distressed state, so he ordered what he remembered Phil saying he wanted. Once Dan decided the coast was clear, he brushed his fingertips lightly over Phil’s thigh.

He didn’t do anything that could be seen as PDA because he wouldn’t want to add getting outed to the list of things that Phil was currently worrying about, but the touch was just enough to say _I’m here. I got you. You’re alright._

“Phil, are you okay?” Dan’s soothing voice asked.

Phil looked down at his hands and stopped wringing them. Ignoring Dan’s question, he simply muttered, “I need to stop doing that. Everyone can tell how nervous I am.”

“Nobody noticed. I promise you. Are you okay?” Dan repeated.

“Yeah, jus’ got all freaked out and overwhelmed,” Phil answered. He took several deep breaths.

“It’s alright. You’re doing good. I hope you don’t mind that I ordered for you,” said Dan.

“No, I don’t mind at all. Thank you,” Phil said. He subconsciously moved closer to Dan without seeming too suspicious, trying to feel the heat radiating from the other man to ground himself.

“Of course,” Dan said with a smile. “And I got you a surprise.”

“What is it?” Phil asked enthusiastically.

“Apparently I should have gotten you some patience,“ Dan chuckled. "It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you what it was.”

The waitress came back quickly after that with their order. Along with the food was a large glass of cold, sweet-smelling pink liquid.

“Surprise!” Dan giggled when the waitress left. Phil already had his mouth on the straw and was drinking the milkshake.

“It’s so good. Strawberry is my favourite,” Phil said.

“I know it’s your favourite, darling. That’s why I ordered it,” Dan replied fondly.

“Hey, Dan?”

“Yes, Phil?”

“Thank you.”

—

Today Phil decided to wear ripped jeans. Maybe it was Dan and the fan’s constant persisting, or maybe it was because the American heat was starting to make his usual jeans feel like a sauna. Either way, he was wearing them.

He had worn them to the meet and greet just fine, but later that night he and Dan decided to take a walk and suddenly he didn’t feel as confident anymore.

“Phil, you look great. Stunning, really. But the sun has already set and I want to get going before it gets too cold,” Dan whined.

Phil paused for a moment. “Are you sure I look okay? I feel like these pants make my legs look weirdly long. And my hair dye is starting to fade and I’m pretty sure these pants make my ass look saggy.”

“You look amazing, sweetheart. Your hair is perfect and your ass looks _great_ , believe me.”

“Are you positive? There’s gonna be a lot of people out tonight and I-”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted, “I hate to break it to you but nobody is going to be paying that much attention. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“I’ll just change,” Phil sighed, defeated.

“You don’t need to. You look gorgeous. Come on, handsome,” Dan coaxed.

The genuine look on Dan's face convinced Phil that maybe he would be alright. It was just one little walk. He trusted Dan more than anything and, in reality, he knew he was mostly getting himself upset over nothing.

Once Phil finally stepped outside, he was glad. He and Dan got to look at the beautiful pink clouds and the songbirds as the took a path through a park. The whole duration of the walk, Dan looked at Phil like he was the entire universe, and Phil actually felt okay.

—

It was one of those days where Phil had been going over the outline for his new video for hours.

He usually wasn’t like this when it came to making videos. Perfectionism and stressing over videos was mostly Dan’s thing. Phil usually didn’t have a detailed script and he made sure that whatever he was doing, he was having fun while doing it.

But right now he wasn’t having fun.

Every idea and bit for his video seemed strange and out of place. He kept telling himself that he could be funnier, should be funnier. At one point he considered scrapping the video idea altogether.

It had been a long time since Phil felt genuinely insecure about the content he was making. In fact, it wasn't even that big of a deal, but he had so much else going on and weighing him down that this video seemed like the end of the world. Phil didn’t know when the tears started, but soon he was curled up in a ball on a hotel bed crying.

_You're already less active because of the tour_ a voice in his mind told him.  _Everyone's going to be so disappointed if you put out a video with a stupid idea like this one._

Phil knew he was being irrational and way too hard on himself, but his inner saboteur got the best of him and pushed all clear thinking aside.

While this was going on, Dan had been asking the hotel staff how late the pool was open When he came back. he certainly didn’t expect to see his boyfriend crying on their shared bed.

“Phil, baby? What’s wrong? What happened?” Dan asked, slowly approaching Phil. He was facing away from Dan, but Dan knew Phil was crying by the way his shoulders violently shook.

“N- nothing,” Phil choked out but he was already starting to hyperventilate.

“Okay. Alright, love. Take some deep breaths for me now, okay? Can you do that? Nice, deep breaths. There you go, hun. Good job,” Dan talked his boyfriend through it.

Phil tried to keep breathing, just like Dan said. Dan was here and everything was going to be okay. There was plenty of air and he wasn’t going to die.

“You’re okay. Just keep breathing,” Dan coached, his eyebrows knitted with worry. He knew that Phil was under a lot of stress and he felt bad for leaving him all alone.

“Get it all out. You’re doing so good.” The tears had stopped and now Phil was able to take fairly steady breaths.

“You feeling a little bit better now?” Dan asked. Phil simply nodded.

“Okay. Why don’t you drink some cold water and hop in the bath? After that, you can tell me what happened. Alright?” Dan suggested.

Phil nodded again and allowed Dan to help him to his feet and get him a water bottle.

“Can we order room service later? I’m starving,” Phil asked.

“Of course, my love,” Dan said with a smile.


	2. Crisps, Running Late & More Breakdowns

Phil was overwhelmed. To say the least.

He was at the grocery store and under the dim light, the aisles seemed never-ending. He felt like a tiny little human up against a big, deadly dragon.

_Milk, crisps, bread. Milk, crisps, bread. Milk, crisps, bread._

The list wasn’t a long one but Phil still repeated it again and again in his head. He thought back to the conversation he had with Dan earlier about what they needed. Just to make sure he really only needed to get milk, crisps, and bread and nothing else.

Dan had offered to go with him, but Phil knew that Dan didn’t really feel like leaving the house that day. They had just gotten back from tour and Dan was tired and jetlagged and stressed. Plus, Phil was an adult. He could do something as simple as grocery shopping on his own.

As Phil looked at the aisles that seemed like humongous beasts, he briefly wished that he had just stayed inside, too. But he knew that not having milk for coffee and cereal in the morning wouldn’t be a fun time, so he took a deep breath and began navigating the store.

Phil got the milk and bread just fine, but when he grazed his eyes over the selection of crisps, he froze.

They didn’t have their usual brand.

Phil scanned over the shelf once again just in case he missed something. Nope. Their brand crisps definitely weren’t there. Phil felt his palms get sweaty and he wiped them on his jeans.

What was he going to do now?

He could just get a different brand, but what if Dan didn’t like them and would have rathered just wait for them to restock?

Phil huffed out a breath of frustration. He was frustrated at the store for not having his preferred brand and frustrated at Dan for not coming with him, even though deep down he knew it was completely unfair to be annoyed with Dan about something like this. Most of all, though, he was frustrated at himself. Or, rather, his mind.

He felt so silly and stupid for getting so worked up over this one little thing, but he couldn’t control it. He knew it wasn’t rational, he knew that. Even though he rationally knew that the brand of crisps wasn’t a big deal, his brain wouldn’t listen.

That brought Phil back to wondering what he was going to do now. Taking a deep breath, he looked over the brands again. He almost reached for the second-best brand when something stopped him.

_Don’t do that. If you don’t do this right Dan will be so disappointed in you. He’ll finally see that you can’t do anything right. You’re like a helpless infant._

Subconsciously, Phil put his hand over his phone that was in his front pocket.

_No, he decided. I don’t need to call Dan. This isn’t that big of a deal._

Phil felt a bit silly taking deep breaths to steady his breathing in the middle of the store, but he pushed that aside. If he couldn’t control the rapid thoughts in his head, at least maybe he could control his breathing.

Once Phil had composed himself, he grabbed the bag of crisps he had his eye on and put it in the basket that was hanging from his arm.

—

A week later, Dan and Phil were supposed to meet Louise for lunch. Dan got sick last-minute but he insisted that Phil still go.

Phil was really excited to see Louise. They had just recovered from the tour so it was about time he hung out with her.

The cab dropped Phil off at the small restaurant. He looked across the room for Louise, but she wasn’t there yet. Phil frowned and got out his phone to look at the time. He thought surely he’d be the one who was a few minutes late.

He shrugged and allowed the waiter to take him to a booth, where he explained that he was waiting for someone. He ordered a glass of water with lemon just so he would have something to occupy his hands with.

Fifteen minutes passed and Louise still wasn’t there. He was getting dirty looks from the staff for not ordering anything yet. Phil’s leg bounced up and down under the table as he checked his phone to see if he had a text from Louise.

_Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?_

A few minutes later, Phil felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He unlocked it to see a text from Louise.

**_From Louise:_ **

_I’m so sorry I’m a bit late but I’m almost there!!!_

**_To Louise:_ **

_That’s fine :)_

Phil let out a breath. Surprisingly, knowing she was on her way didn’t make the situation any less stressful. In fact, it seemed to make the time tick by slower. He felt like everyone was looking at him judgementally like he was some asshole that shows up way too early.

Or worse - people might be looking at him with pity. Thinking he was being stood up.

Phil almost felt physically sick. He had really wanted to try this restaurant’s soup, but suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore. He just wanted to curl up in a warm pile of blankets and do nothing.

Eventually, Louise sat down across from him, apologizing profusely. Phil wanted to be annoyed at her, but he wasn’t. Once again, he was just annoyed at himself and his mind for acting the way it did. Or, rather, _reacting_.

Phil felt broken and abnormal, not to mention he felt like a silly, oversensitive baby.

Slowly, as Phil started chatting with Louise, his nervousness melted away and soon he was able to get out of his head and actually enjoy his time with Louise.

—

Mentally, physically and emotionally, Phil was tired.

It just seemed like there was _so much_ for him and Dan to do, and, because of his immense love for his boyfriend, Phil had taken the majority of the workload.

There were videos to edit and plan and props to get and emails to send and it just seemed like so much. The past few days, every time he closed his eyes to fall asleep, he would jolt awake with the sudden need to get more work done. Even after a long day of work, there was always more work that needed to be done.

So Phil had been tip-toeing out of bed in the middle of the night for the past couple of nights. He thanked whoever was out there that Dan was a heavy sleeper. He didn’t want Dan to find out about this, mostly because he didn’t want Dan to worry. But he also didn’t want him to find out because he didn’t want Dan to stress out and try to do more work.

Nothing good would come of them both being tired and overworked.

Once again, it was 3:30 am and Phil found himself making coffee and sitting down to edit. He took a sip of the warm drink and got to work.

Phil was surprisingly focused as he worked, considering it was the middle of the night. He was almost done editing a gaming video when a spark went down his spine and his stomach suddenly felt like it was full of bricks.

There was a sponsored video that they were supposed to have up this week. He and Dan must have forgotten about it - they hadn’t even filmed it yet and there was still the process of editing and uploading. If they didn’t upload it in time, they would lose the sponsorship.

He couldn’t believe they had forgotten about it. They would need to film it tomorrow if they wanted to have it up by the date requested by the sponsors.

Phil supposed he could just email them about it and ask for a few more days, but the thought of having to compose a professional email and not sound stupid made Phil so nervous his stomach churned.

He and Dan had plans to relax tomorrow but now they had to film. Ironically, the reason they planned an off-day was so that they wouldn't become overwhelmed and stressed like Phil was at the moment.

Phil sighed and pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to have to break the news to Dan and he didn’t want to film tomorrow and he didn’t want to deal with any of this.

Before he could stop it, Phil found himself hyperventilating. There was so much to do and not enough time and suddenly not enough air to breathe.

He didn’t even realize what he was doing but the next thing Phil knew, he was on his feet and pushing open the door to his and Dan’s bedroom.

“Dan,” Phil said through tears as he shook Dan’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Dan, please wake up,” Phil said. He was still hyperventilating.

“I’m up,” Dan croaked, opening his eyes to see Phil with tears sticking to his cheeks and a little snot coming from his nose. “Wha' happened? Are you okay? You hurt?”

“I’m sorry I woke you up but I just got really stressed out and I can’t. I can’t -” Phil cut his own sentence off with a loud sob as he flung into Dan’s arms and cried into his shirt.

Dan hugged Phil tightly and slowly rocked them back and forth. Dan was confused, and now a bit overwhelmed himself, but he held Phil and said, “It’s okay, you’re okay. What’s got you so stressed out?”

“The sponsored video! If we want to have it up in time we have to film tomorrow but I really just wanted to spend the day with you tomorrow. I’m exhausted. I can’t do this anymore,” Phil said, his tears dampening Dan’s sleep shirt.

“So we won’t film tomorrow, then,” Dan said.

Phil looked away to look up at Dan. “But… we’ll lose the sponsor.”

“That’s fine. I don’t care. You need to relax, mister, so no filming tomorrow.”

Phil sniffled. “I thought we told them we would do it.”

“Yes, we did say that. But it’s a video, Phil, not a blood pact with Satan. I’ll email them tomorrow, yeah?” Dan said.

“Yeah, okay,” Phil replied. His voice was weak and tired.

Dan played with Phil’s hair as he continued to speak. “And I’ll finish editing that gaming video tomorrow. We’ll get you all set up with some American Horror Story and hot chocolate and I’ll finish the video and then we can cuddle. Sound good?”

“You don’t have to do that. I got it. I’m fine. I’ll be fine,” Phil said.

“You’re clearly not fine. And that’s okay, of course. I’m really glad you came to me, sweetheart. Let me do some work, it’s about time I get back into the routine. You just relax and let me take care of you for once, okay?” Dan suggested.

“Okay,” Phil sniffled.

“Good,” Dan said, pulling away and booping Phil’s nose lightly. “Now what are you doing up, anyway?”

“Needed to edit,” Phil mumbled, looking down at his lap.

“Phil…”

“I know, I know. I made some coffee, too, but I only had a few sips so I’m pretty tired,” Phil said quietly.

Dan kissed Phil’s forehead.

“Yeah, you must be really tired. Get some sleep, hun. You need it,” Dan said.

Phil was too worn out to speak, so he simply nodded and got under the covers. Dan snuggled up next to him. Dan’s warm chest was against Phil’s back and Dan was placing little kisses over Phil’s neck and shoulders.

Phil laced their hands together where Dan’s arm was slung over Phil’s waist, causing them both to smile.

“I love you. Get some sleep, tried boy,” Dan said.

“M’love you, too,” Phil said sleepily.

The next day consisted of binge-watching shows and eating popcorn with the man Phil loved the most in this world. Thoughts of his never-ending to-do list still lingered in Phil’s mind, but he just focused on being with Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Tumblr is farquaadphilly. Come say hi!


	3. Fire Hazards, Showers & Mental Illness (Oh My!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favorite chapter of this work so far. TW for mentions of death, pre-smut, etc.

They lost the sponsor for the video they never uploaded. It was weighing on Phil a little, guilt seeping into to his bones for not remembering, not just pushing through and filming, not emailing the company. Something else was prominent and heavy in his bones, something he was very familiar with. **  
**

Anxiety.

He felt anxious since he first woke up. When he opened his eyes and rolled over, he saw the pile of clothes on the floor Dan had set aside to donate. Two words hit Phil like a ton of bricks: _fire hazard._

After spending about half a minute thinking about how their flat could burst into flames and he and Dan would die a fiery death, Phil was able to calm himself down.

He couldn’t tell without his glasses on, but he was pretty sure the clothes weren’t blocking the door so, if a fire were to miraculously occur that morning, they would be able to get out just fine.

Phil huffed out a breath. It was too early to be thinking about stuff like this.

He rolled back over and snuggled closer to Dan.

He slept well after that, but he still felt unexplained exhaustion for the rest of the day. It was confusing, really, because his body was tired and sluggish but his mind was on edge and racing a hundred miles an hour, seemingly for no reason.

He would jump whenever Dan accidentally closed a cabinet too loud or a pigeon flew past the glass door.

Phil wasn’t usually like this and he knew it. He knew something was up. But once again, he just tried to silently battle his anxious thoughts while another part of his brain screamed at him for being so weak.

—

Dan noticed Phil’s behaviour that day - of course he did, with their near-psychic connection and all - but when he asked what was wrong, Phil couldn’t bring himself to tell Dan the truth.

At least, not the full truth.

Phil simply said he was still a little disappointed they had lost the sponsor and in return, Dan kissed his forehead and squeezed his hand tight.

Once Dan realised how much work, and consequently stress, Phil was taking on after he came to Dan crying about the sponsored video, Dan did everything he could to help Phil relax. He took on work so the load was balanced instead of one-sided and made sure to pay close attention to Phil’s anxiety so it didn’t build up and bubble over like it had done in the past.

Truthfully, Phil couldn’t thank Dan enough for being so lovely and supportive, which is why when Dan climbed onto Phil’s lap with clear intentions, Phil was determined to please Dan as much as possible.

“Hey, baby,” Phil whispered. He put down the book he was reading and gently moved hands to cradle Dan’s face, a thumb tracing his cheekbone.

“Hey,” Dan replied. Phil could tell he was trying to keep his voice steady but he could hear the clear want in Dan’s voice.

This was usually the part where, if one of them didn’t want to have sex, they would say so. Not that they couldn’t stop later, of course. But usually if one of them was too tired or not in the mood, any sexual activities would halt before they even began.

But Phil decided he did want this, so he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to Dan’s neck, causing him to squirm. Then Phil moved his head back up to kiss Dan, their lips locking together perfectly.

Dan let out a breathy moan against Phil’s lips and parted his own. This just turned Phil on even more.

“Phil, babe,” Dan said, pulling away. “Can we do it in the shower? Like we did that other time?”

Phil remembers  _that other time_  very well and he remembers enjoying it immensely. However, that day his brain had been in a much better state than it was at the moment because all Phil could currently think of was all the ways they could possibly fall and get hurt and die.

Dan noticed the way Phil’s face went unusually pale and pulled back a little further on his lap, creating even more distance between himself and Phil.

“Or, um, we don’t have to do anything at all. Sorry,” Dan said.

The days of being awkward about initiating or turning down sex had passed long ago, but Dan had never seen Phil react like this.

“Just - not in the shower,” Phil said. He was trying to focus on keeping his breaths calm.

“Huh?” Dan asked. He was so caught up with concern for Phil that he completely forgot about his request.

“I want to, but just not in the shower,” Phil said, swallowing hard.

Dan wasn’t going to question that, especially not when Phil looked as freaked out as he did. Instead, he simply said, “Are you sure you want to, baby? We don’t have to.”

“I do. I do, I promise. Please, Dan, let me make you feel good. I’ll be so good to you, just please,” Phil said. He was overwhelmed and the only thing he wanted right now was Dan.

“Okay, angel. Bedroom then, yeah? I’ll lay out all pretty on the sheets for you?” Dan suggested, voice soft.

Phil nodded enthusiastically before kissing Dan once more and then leading him to the bedroom.

—

“Phil?” Dan asked once they had bellies full of dinner and were beginning to wind down for the night.

“Hmm?” Phil responded.

“You know that whenever you’re anxious you can talk to me, right? I’ll listen, or do my best to help you. Just tell me how to help you,” Dan said.

This felt a lot like a conversation Phil had with Dan many years ago. It was the first time Phil had ever seriously used the word ‘depressed’ to describe Dan’s behaviour and Dan had freaked out a bit.

Phil understood that now. He wanted to say ‘I don’t have a problem, this is perfectly healthy’ but he knew that wasn’t true and he knew Dan was being supportive. Phil supposed that if Dan had said this to him a few years ago, he would have reacted similarly to how Dan did all those years ago. But he was wiser and more mature now and he knew when something was becoming a problem and genuinely interfering with his life.

So, instead of reacting brashly, Phil just took a deep breath and said, “I know. Thank you.”

He could feel himself start to get choked up so he took a moment to lean into Dan’s warm embrace under their blankets until he spoke again.

“It’s just hard. To know what I need, I mean.  _I_  don’t know how to help me so it’s hard for me to figure out how  _you_  can help me,” Phil said.

“I get that,” Dan said. He knew Dan understood. For many years, Dan felt the exact same thing Dan was feeling right now.

“Do you… maybe want to see a therapist? It might help to have an expert to talk to,” Dan suggested softly.

Dan’s words nearly brought tears to Phil’s eyes. Tears of hope, partially, that he wouldn’t have to deal with this feeling of being on the edge of a cliff - the nervousness that made his shoulders tense and stomach nauseous, the adrenaline that made his heart pound and his hands sweat, the feeling of being out of control of your body and situation - anymore. But mostly, he felt like crying because he couldn’t hide anymore. He couldn’t deny that this was a problem that impacted his life.

Mental illness wasn’t just something Phil would support Dan through, it was something he himself was going through. Would continue to go through.

A whirlwind of emotions was spinning inside Phil and he couldn’t prevent the choked sob that came from his throat.

Phil could tell Dan was surprised by this by his body movement in the dark and Phil would have felt a pang of guilt if Dan hadn’t just scooped him up and held him closer.

Phil was grateful that Dan didn’t ask questions. He knew that Dan knew what he was going through so he just moved closer to his boyfriend and allowed himself to be rocked to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello... it is I... your favorite gremlin that lurks in the end notes... coming back to beg for attention...
> 
> Kudos make me yeehaw and comments are even better! Come say hi over on my Tumblr farquaadphilly

**Author's Note:**

> title from twenty one pilots  
> tumblr: farquaadphilly


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